doubt
my days rarely pass without a fistful of self-doubt and a head full of screaming. i often doubt my presence; whether it's valuable, whether it's useful, whether it's wanted. friends always tell me that my presence is welcome but somehow i always doubt it to some extent. sometimes i believe it more but most times i don't.
struggling with your presence and your demeanour isn't of much help in any situations other than places where you're meant to be quiet and simply observe. i always wonder if the words i say are of any help, of any use. if i doubt enough and come to the conclusion that i'd be better off silent, i later regret it because i contributed nothing to the conversation.
perhaps my environment growing up created a culture of non-trust but i never believe it when i hear positive things about my presence or my abilities. even if i want to believe it, i can never fully convince myself and as a result, i beat myself up over not trusting those i hold closest to my heart.
if you are a friend, i'm sorry there were times i couldn't believe your words. i wish to cherish your praises and well-wishes but my mind tells me otherwise. it tells me they're all lies. it tells me i'm not worth these words, that they don't know the ugly creature hiding behind the countless masks i've put on and that have been put on me. it tells me i'm not worthy of company so bright and so amazing.
the only thing i never doubt is that the people i've surrounded myself with at this point in time are all amazing, beautiful people in one way or another. no one is perfect, everyone has flaws but those flaws are beautiful all the same and everyone i continue to hang around has proved that despite their flaws, they are gorgeous souls who deserve nothing but goodness and appreciation. if you are a friend, thank you for being here. thank you for being a home i can find comfort in and for allowing me to sit in your presence. i love you more than i can ever say to you directly, thank you for being you.