fear and excitement
as i type this out i'm sitting in the library putting off reading a research paper because i only got 4 hours of sleep, have been reading the same two sentences over and over for the past 5 minutes and have class in half an hour.
after finally having gone through a week and a half of my modules actually related to psychology (my first semester was spent doing what we call MPU, a compulsory set of subjects unrelated to our degree) i'm getting excited because i was right about my interest! (i wasn't chasing something just because i thought i might like it after all!) i listen to lectures more willingly, i actually read through the lecture slides in my own time (even before the lecture!) and can concentrate a little better. this is the most productive i've been in years (maybe even my whole life!). the content i've learned so far is actually so engaging and interesting that i'm so hopeful that i'll be able to get through my education without too much struggle
but...
there's still a lot of fear. because i've failed before, what if i fail again? i did well for the first semester in my illustration diploma but everything went downhill from there. i could still be in that "honeymoon period" where everything is interesting because this whole thing is a new experience. what if i lose interest and passion again and start failing again? i will do my damn best not to fail but...
i don't know.
i know part of my fear is because all my lectures are online. part of what messed me up during my diploma was that covid hit just as i started and i couldn't concentrate at all on my work, i didn't have the motivation to do well because i was so caught up in my head about being stuck at home and feeling just... so shitty.
i like going to campus because it's an environment where i know i'm expected to be studious and it's easier for me to concentrate in a space where there's not much else to do but study. i know i'm already doing much better than i was back then but the fear still rears its head and eats me whole once in a while just to spit me out and act as if it was never there.
part of why i'm taking psychology is so that i can learn about human behaviour and by extension myself. i want to fix myself and then move on to help others because i know the shitty feelings of anxiousness and hopelessness and it saddens me to remember that so many people have felt the same and still do each day.
i really do hope i'll get through this. for myself and for others.