fortune and shame
when pain doesn't manifest itself physically, it makes it hard to tell whether or not it's really there. it's for this reason alone that i struggle with having problems at all. i never really know, are they truly problems or are they just phantom issues conjured up by a mind far too spoiled?
are these words that fill my head just words or are they insults? are they words against my very being or are they just meaningless comments? does it matter how they make me feel if there was no intention to harm? do i perceive harm differently because of lack of exposure?
feeling so much guilt and shame for having problems that in the face of far worse circumstances seem like mere child's play, my head is always running in an endless cycle. for this to be a problem in itself, my mind must be too pampered, too naive.
in a world where struggle is common, how terrible it feels to know that struggle was handed to me in a nicely sealed letter. i struggle with words of my own, the words of others and nothing more. how nice it must be to live oblivious to the real problems people face. how disgusting it feels to be in such a position.
that this is a struggle at all is a sign of luck and fortune, how disgusting it must feel to see people call this struggle. to be dealt a fair hand is not something to be taken for granted, and yet, far too often it seems to be.
how pleasant it must be to leave your fate in the hands of the unknown and take everything with grace as your maker intended. how sweet it must be to believe so wholeheartedly in a world that is cruel and unfair.
being aware of your own naivety is a blessing and a curse, i know what wrong i've done and i know what i can do better but the guilt of knowing people struggle to live while i have problems with being will never leave me.
i often feel guilty and shameful that i've been taken care of all my life. perhaps it's a waste of my circumstances. for that i'm sorry. my mother's words often linger but some of the phrases that linger most are the ones that claim i'll forever expect better things since i've tasted them just once. i hate the implications. i hate how they've proven true on some accounts. perhaps not all, perhaps not a lot, but still; some. to wish unfavourable circumstances on myself to even the playing field is unfair to those who have truly struggled, but to even exist in this position is unfair to them too. certain times these factors make me believe it would be better if i left it all behind and these times i never know what to do with myself.