help as a spectator
i often don't know what to do or how to help whenever people come to me for help. if they ask for advice, then i do my best to give sound advice. if they ask me to listen, i listen and respond neutrally, i try not to solve their problems for them.
the thing i struggle with is how to comfort others. sometimes words come out and they start venting without asking me to listen. or i'm in call with a friend and something happens on their side, an argument or some kind of mild conflict that puts them on edge and ruins their mood. i feel the need to comfort them and de-escalate the situation however i can but i never know how. i never know what the right thing to say is, or whether i should say anything at all.
the thing i've learned about my friends is everyone takes comfort differently. a phrase or a response that helps/is ok with one friend might make another feel worse. learning this has scared me and now i'm too afraid to say anything in case i step on a landmine.
you'd never know where the mines are if you can't see them, right? so how do you avoid setting them off? how do you find them without digging?
when the people i'm with are in a bad mood, i tend to control and somber myself as well, because what if seeing me cheerful pisses them off or makes them feel worse? so i try to match their energy. i don't even know if that's the right move, if that makes things worse.
sometimes i can't even give advice because my situation might be so different from theirs i just can't imagine what might help or whether i have a right to help at all. sometimes instead of continuing the conversation or staying in call they leave to handle it on their own. i let them because if they need space then they need it, i just wish i could help in some way. it hurts to see them struggle and it hurts even more to know i'm powerless to help.
returning to my post about worry, i spend so much time worrying about their situation that i forget how to be. i forget to consider my actions and my words and how they might affect them. i forget that sometimes rationality isn't the best way to de-escalate a situation, that sometimes people just have to feel their emotions to work through them instead of trying to understand them.