i don't know anything
a lot of questions have been spinning around in my head, crashing into each other, unravelling, entangling. in other words my head is a mess. i feel so much and yet my feelings confuse me. if feelings are such a raw experience why is understanding them so complicated and confusing?
i've seen a lot of posts about couples, lovers, significant others, how ever you want to call them. i read manga and webtoons on romance, i watch shows on romance, my instagram tl loves showing me these stupid reddit AITA entries or just bot written stories and i entertain them if i'm feeling especially empty. so many stories of typical scenarios you hear and read about, both good and bad, and i've been thinking about one thing today. there are so many guides and relationship tips on situations to avoid, red flags to watch out for, ways to improve your relationship but what makes a perfect lover/relationship? you see everywhere that people need their "me time", they need to recharge but time with their lover also counts as recharging because their presence and energy is so different to everyone else. what if your lover isn't always your place to recharge? what if you still need "me time" from your partner? does that make them an inadequate partner? does it mean your needs aren't being met? does it mean you aren't a good fit? does needing a break from your partner mean there's something wrong that just hasn't been noticed yet?
also, where do you draw the line between "making it work" and prioritising yourself? how much do you compromise before you're just giving too much? how much of yourself are you meant to keep and how much of yourself are you meant to change to make things work? i often feel like there's a conflicting narrative of how you don't have to change yourself for someone else but you also have to compromise and change things in order to make things work because no one will be a 100% fit. how do you know when you've done too much, changed too much? how much do you endure before you say that's enough and prioritise yourself?
is it human nature to be a living contradiction to yourself? At times i'm so proud and so grateful of the progress i've made as a person and at other times it's as if i haven't changed at all. i think i've done such a good job of setting aside external opinions and just listening to myself and my body and yet the core of some of my behaviours is out of obligation to others or due to the influence of others. maintaining the status quo because i promised i'd give it my best but how do i know what my best is? what if my best will never be enough to them and i've just doomed myself to suffer regardless of the outcome?
tldr; how much are you meant to endure before you're allowed to say you've tried your best and allowed to let it go?