love sucks ass but i still love so much
breakups are shit wbk, there's no breakup where everything is great even if you end on a good note but i feel like ending things on good terms might hurt more than ending things with a fight. at least with fights you have someone to blame, you have a place to put your hurt, a name to keep it to and you know that no matter what you do it wouldn't have worked out and it's for the best, ending on a bad note gives you that little bit of resentment to keep you away.
when things end well and you keep in contact, if anything you're closer because of this new understanding and mutual want for proper communication in the future, it hurts because suddenly all the good things come back and they're in your face. the issues fade into the background and don't haunt you anymore and it makes the whole situation that much more painful because why couldn't things have just worked out? why couldn't things just stay like this? it's hard to remember the bad things when they're not being presented. it hurts to remember just how good the good things were knowing they'll never come back.
it's also so awkward somehow because you know things will never work in the long run and yet there's still so much care and love for each other from both sides but now that there's a mutual agreement to keep a distance, it's difficult to bring up and discuss just how much of that care and love you're allowed to express before it goes back to being "romantic". talking to them and being in their presence is also a constant reminder of all the good things you've lost and will never experience again, meanwhile the fear that something as good or even better will never come always lingers, it never goes away, not for a second. you become haunted by this one person who is still so alive in your head and in your life.
and yet i would never undo any of it. i wouldn't undo any of the fights or any of the good experiences because they've made me a different person and they've made me who i am today. to discredit that feels wrong and to stop loving at all because i learned to love and respect myself feels even more wrong. so i'll continue to sit with this hurt and loss while i do my best to love everything a little more.