missing life
I'm back! I guess this place has just become a place for me to sit in when I don't know where or who to tell these thoughts to. I guess I kinda need it more than ever now considering how physically heavy my emotions have been feeling recently.
i miss living. i still have people i hold dear, i still have things i love and music that gives me life but outside of that, everything brings with it varying amounts of stress and worry and frustration. people bring with them pressure and expectations and anxiety that i don't seem to be able to process lately. while talking to classmates and ordering food hasn't been as emotionally taxing recently, talking to people close to me has become stressful and scary.
maybe i don't have the right to feel this way or maybe it's just because thing after thing has been piling up recently that i don't feel like people respect me as an individual. not my parents, not some of my closest friends, not even my significant other. i just seem to be a tool to use, a journal to write in, a doll to drag along, a presence to abuse. not everyone's been doing this, not everyone's quite so overbearing but most. most people scare me now. i dread joining calls sometimes for fear of what others might say about me even as a joke. i dread silence for fear that they take it as me ignoring them even when i find comfort in it. when i don't meet expectations they shout, they scream, they pout, they throw tantrums, they point fingers, they accuse anyone but themselves but i've been trying my best, i have my own needs and wants as well and none of them are being met.
all i've been for the past few months is a waste paper basket for them to throw their thoughts and frustrations into. i just wish they'd tell me if i wasn't enough and leave instead of staying and complaining about what i can't give them.
i miss when each day had something to look forward to. i miss when talking to loved ones was my escape from my struggles. instead, they've become a part of my list of things to keep tabs on. every interaction is a performance, a dance, a routine i have to ace or else i'm a failure. i'm a waste of time. i'm a burden. i'm another rule to follow, a ball of boundaries to sneer at.
i miss feeling human