worry, change & worry about change
worrying is something i do so much, it might as well be a pastime. i worry about everything and nothing. i worry about my education, my future, whether or not i have the ability to become someone worthy of love and respect. when my friends confide in me i worry for them, i worry for their wellbeing, i worry for their mental health, i worry for their strength. sometimes i worry so much about others and what they do, what they think, that i forget to worry about myself.
but when i do remember to worry about myself i begin to realise the small things that have changed that i never realised before. i then begin to worry about other changes i may have missed or that i may not have picked up on just yet. sometimes not being aware of these changes scares me because i realise just how much i neglect other things when i focus on just one thing for a time period. i worry that my not noticing these changes will cause me to neglect certain things in my relationships (platonic, familial or romantic) and make me push people away.
it scares me how quickly things can change, how people can change. i worry they may change their minds about me. perhaps my presence was welcome once, but what if the day comes where i forget myself and my presence becomes a nuisance? what will happen when that change comes around and it happens to be one of the things i fail to notice before it's too late? what if i become less of a person, what if i change into someone they'll hate? what if people change their minds about being my friend? what if they decide i'm not worth keeping around?
worry consumes me every waking moment and even in my dreams but i let it. i let it take control of me because there have been times where my worry has made me realise something is wrong and fix it before it brought disaster. i worry that if i stop worrying i won't be able to prevent certain disasters from happening. so i worry about myself, i worry about others, then i worry somemore.